Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
