rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
