He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
