tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
