ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
