Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
People in love make me want to vomit
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize