you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
