Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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