I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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