just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
