She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
