My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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