Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
