I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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