dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's great music for shaving your balls
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
