I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
