When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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