I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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