so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hippo gnu deer
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
