i already hear my dad disowning me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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