i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
