I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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