youre lurking in front of me
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
