when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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