I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
