Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize