i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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