see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
