he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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