is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
