I puked a lego.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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