wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
