More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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