I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
