Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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