Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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