words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
