literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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