Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
