Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize