Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
