she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
