Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
