I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
