You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
