So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
