why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
