So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
