Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
