you guys were way drunker than both of me
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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