if i can run in heels then i can drive
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
