Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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