dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
