so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
