i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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