Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
