You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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