carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
