my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
